apparently i have no emotional self-defense. i could never lie to keep myself from getting hurt, or evidently not even for the sake of my self-respect. my only mode of operation, both in situations of emotional calm and panic, is to put myself out there completely and make myself vulnerable to the other person (whether they realize it or not).
i regret that this is what i’m thinking about the morning that i’m leaving for New York.
Until yesterday, I thought I was having a great summer… then I realized how bittersweet it’s been, because of the one thing that I’ve been thinking about constantly, that has kept me from really being totally free… and although that’s been arguably involuntary, I still regret it. I regret not having had the mental or emotional strength to avoid getting tied up in it.
On that note, however, I would like to thank my co-op family for loving me so much that I’ll never need anyone or anything else, even though I haven’t fully realized that yet.
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